By M.
Yesterday was Monday, today it’s already Thursday. Your junk trip is planned for Saturday, which is basically tomorrow.
You feel the pressure around having to show your pale slightly wobbly looking legs. Yes I know you worked like crazy all through winter, so the mere thought having to do exercise…. You did sign up to Pure but you never actually went because….Don’t beat yourself up, you’re just taken by acute laziness. I understand, don’t worry you’re not the only one. I know thousands of women who contribute to Pure’s financial success without lifting a finger. It’s not that your intentions were bad; you even splurged to get all the trendiest sporting outfit. They’ve probably sitting nicely with their labels on in your closet while your muscles are still flabby and you’re looking pretty drab.
Enough said, back to that stressful boat trip that will reveal your flesh to the world.
Don’t panic, you’ll get through this. First pick your bathing suit. You’re not Elsa Pataki so leave out the high leg ultra revealing one piece in fluorescent colors. Nobody needs to see the paleness of your boobs when they pop out. So please, opt for black (you can’t go wrong), or navy blue (always classy). If you really insist, you can go for a discrete motif option. You are not Jane, and you don’t have a Tarzan, so go easy on the leopard print. Whatever you do, don’t skimp on the cut. If time has taken a toll on your bust go for thick material, sturdy wiring and a bit of padding to keep it all up. Yes padding, I insist. However if your boobs are still bouncy you can stick with a triangle or bandeau cut.
OK next, you’re going to have to work on sprucing your skin up a little. No, miracles don’t happen over night but this is about damage control. Hydrate like your life depends on it, even at lunch during your toilet break. You can even go for one that tans, and I don’t mean those tanning creams that leave hideous orange zebra stripes. No, in this day and age there are tons of quality products out there. You could even go to the tanning salon over lunch, once a year won’t hurt you, relax. Besides, it’s good for moral. Make sure you protect your eyes though.
Then you head to your best friend H&M who sells classy large hats. Not only will you look a bit like Jackie Kennedy, it will save you from looking like a lobster at the end of the day. Obviously you find matching color schemes.
You choose a nice dress easy to slip on – take off – and put back on. Don’t forget your sarong, so helpful to hide those bumps and bulges under your right bum-cheek. To finish the look off, get out a Vanessa Bruno basic tote in cotton or linen or your good old straw bag will just as easily do the trick. It goes without saying, don’t forget your XXL sunglasses.
What else? Dear lord I almost forgot the nails. If you dare to set your un-pedicured foot on the boat you’ll be shunned. So the day before, if only for the benefit of others, be a darling and tick the mani-pedi box. Color-wise it’s always the same mantra, don’t play Barbie and choose something that will go with your outfit. Don’t forget your sunscreen, and don’t eff it all up with the Hello Kitty pouch you stole from your daughter last minute when you were rushing.
Go on now, have fun. Find a nice spot on the boat and say yes to the glass of rose ;-). Isn’t life great?
